Last year, while driving home from work, a man T-boned me. It was a hot summer’s day and I was wearing a mini dress. And as I stepped out into the side of the freeway, the dress rose up around my waist showing him my underwear.
“You fucking hit my car,” I said to him.
“Calm down little missy, there’s no reason to get angry,” he responded. “Should we get your dad on the phone?”
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I’ve never thought of myself as an angry person. My general response to conflict or difficult emotions has been to become sullen, moody, or withdrawn. But in that moment on the side of the freeway, I was filled with a bone-shaking, muting sense of rage.
Lately, much smaller issues have been sparking this level of anger. Whether it’s a comment from my housemates, a setback at work, or a conversation with my mother, anger has been the dominant emotion.
For someone who has spent a large portion of their life ignoring their anger, shoving it down and watching it mutate in the form of eating disorders, passive aggressive behaviour and bouts of anxiety and lethargy, seeing this emotion bubble to the surface has been confronting. Where is it coming from?
Unpacking anger
Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. To me, this definition is important because it emphasises anger as both a temporary emotion and something that can be funnelled.
Like any feeling, anger can be a motivating force, something that can be directed towards proactive and positive change. But before we can harness it, we have to understand it.
Gendered anger
Prior to writing this story, anger is something I had filed away into a ‘bad’ folder, considering it a negative and destructive reaction that would only hurt people. It was also something I had generally associated with men.
Holes punched in walls and raised voices, masculine expressions of anger have been normalised in our society, with the narrative of “boys will be boys” echoed over generations and across the political spectrum. However, the notion that men are intrinsically angrier than women is being questioned, with a 2022 study finding that 26 per cent of women reported feeling angry the previous day, compared to 20 per cent of men.
On top of this, psychological studies show that while men express their anger in a more outward and aggressive way, women are more likely to repress their anger and shove it back down – something I’m definitely guilty of.
For men, anger can be an outlet, but for women, it can be a risk. Recently, as I was walking to a 7.30am yoga class a man walking his dog yelled “nice tits” as we crossed paths. I didn’t respond and kept walking but as I lay on that mat trying to find my zen, I felt ashamed of my silence, and then ashamed of my shame. And then angry. Really angry.
In 2025, women have lots to be angry about. From a mainstream medical system that hasn’t been designed for us, to the rise of misogyny and the ‘manosphere‘, to ingrained expectations for caregiving and domesticity.
Yet female anger is often dismissed as hysterical; spoken about as if the instincts we have for our bodies, our safety and what we perceive as discrimination stems from a state of female delicacy. For women of colour, queer women, and women with disabilities, the roots of anger often stretch much deeper, and the subsequent dismissal and judgment are far harsher.
Conceptually, I understand that female anger is valid. But if I’m being honest, the feeling still scares me. I was taught from a young age to master the art of impassivity, to not push back. But emotions don’t work this way, and just because you’ve been taught to feel ashamed to feel something, that doesn’t mean it will go away.
So what should we do?
To better understand how I can shift my perspective on anger, I spoke to Dr Lydia Brown, a senior lecturer in Clinical Psychology at Melbourne University, whose research focuses on women’s health.
“We should try to not see anger as the enemy, because it can be really useful when targeted in the right place,” she tells me. “We’ve seen this in movements like Me Too, where women of all ages started to say, ‘well, no, I’m not putting up with this shit.’”
Dr Brown tells me that understanding the root cause of our anger is important. Not only does it help clear the mind, but it means we can understand how to productively process and channel these feelings. “We don’t need to repress our anger, because when you start to understand the problem is not inside of yourself but outside, that can be really healthy, because then you’ve got a target, and you can work towards change.”
She explains that anger can have lots of causes. And if you’re really triggered by something small, you should take a moment to think: ‘What is this really about?’
If your underlying anger is caused by something more broad, like social injustices, Dr Brown suggests taking proactive steps. “It might be making a donation or Googling groups that you can connect with in person or online. Just ask yourself how your anger is serving you.”
For more interpersonal experiences, she suggests talking about the situation with others or taking a breather: “You might draw a little picture of the different things that are contributing to your anger in that moment [or] take a break for 10 minutes while you walk around the block.”
My angry scribbles.
Shifting the view on anger
While anger can be a positive and motivating force for change, it’s not always useful and sometimes it bleeds out of the confines of what you are actually angry with. So how should you tackle such a big feeling? Dr Brown suggests implementing a three-step self-compassion framework in moments of anger.
“The first step is stopping and acknowledging that this is a moment of suffering, and then the next step would be acknowledging that suffering is a part of life,” she says. “Just tapping into that common humanity rather than feeling isolated in your anger.”
“The final step is to be kind to yourself. To acknowledge that we can’t always fix the world’s injustices, and we don’t need to repress our anger,” she says. “But if we do feel a bit of anger or irritation, just take the opportunity to be gentle and kind with yourself.”
“If you’re finding the anger is really getting in the way of your life, that’s when you might want to speak to your GP about it or think about seeing a therapist,” she continues. “It’s not something that you should feel the pressure to sort out by yourself.”
For me, the key takeaway is remembering that people don’t choose to feel angry. Anger is a feeling that arises from our experiences and situations, not from internal flaws. And what makes us feel angry isn’t as important as how we process these feelings.
For more on female anger, try this.
This article Why is female anger so taboo? Unpacking my right to rage appeared first on Fashion Journal.
2025-02-18 11:41:00
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