Johanna Cosgrove is back in Melbourne and more confused than ever. It’s been exactly a year since we last caught up with the Kiwi comedian, actor and writer, and a lot has changed.
For starters, she’s on our screens in the new TV series Madam, playing a newly-minted (and very enthusiastic) sex worker at an ‘ethical brothel’. Oh, and she’s also had a hysterical identity crisis.
This month, you can bear witness to her theatrical telling of the aforementioned identity crisis at her one-woman show, Sweetie, on now for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. And if you haven’t seen Johanna’s comedy before, you should know that she won ‘Most Unhinged’ last year, at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival.
Looking for more stories on navigating the modern world? Head on over to our Life section.
Here at Fashion Journal we’ve been fans of Johanna for years – of both her personal style, which she once described to us as being “Like if Brigitte Bardot went on a bender with Debbie Harry and Kathleen Hanna and they woke up reeking of cigarettes and jungle juice and wearing each other’s clothes”, and of her charismatic talent, which she has in bucket loads.
Eager to hear about her recent escapades in Melbourne, we asked Johanna to share a diary-style countdown to her first performance of Sweetie.
Monday, March 24
9am: Wake up on my friend’s couch in Brunswick filled with malaise at the prospect of not seeing a mattress for the foreseeable future. Am then immediately riddled with guilt and gratitude at circumventing Airbnb fees (she’s a queen on a budget), dealing with passive aggressive messages from Superhost Lee-Anne and Paul and generic wall art.
9:30am: My friend, renowned performance artist Julia Croft, promises an air mattress. Am immediately cheered.
10am: I call Jeffrey at Minnit Printing North Melbourne to arrange printing the flyers for my show. Jeffrey is a formidable adversary. Things he hates: his specific instructions being ignored. Things he loves: banter and cash. Despite getting off on the wrong foot (I sent a JPEG instead of a PDF) and Jeffrey’s sinister email demanding that I call him ASAP, I’m optimistic that we will forge a close relationship over the next four weeks.
10:30am: Get ready. My daytime makeup routine is very relaxed (due to concreting my face nightly in the style of Liza Minelli) and my favourite lip combo is a Stila lip stain in ‘Rosa’ plus a swipe of Fenty Poutsicle in ‘Mai Type’ over the top and on my cheeks. Then it’s just a gorgeous 19 layers of MCo Tubing Mascara, sunscreen and three pimple patches which is… brave.
Wanting to make an understated yet chic impression on the populace of Sydney Road, I wear my favourite ‘Noelle’ shirt by Kiwi label Gloria (RIP) with adidas shorts and an incredible bespoke necklace by Melbourne-based jeweller Bobby Corica. My hair is on its last legs, so I steal my friend’s cap which says ‘I am the eldest Boy’.
12pm: Leave the house and strut down Sydney Road with “Gasolina” blaring in my headphones. Realise I forgot to take my antidepressant. Stop at Market Lane to wash it down with a calming long black.
12:20pm: Walk around Princes Park muttering my show under my breath. Pray that onlookers perceive me as mysterious and fame-adjacent.
1:15pm: Hit Barkly Square with the force of a thousand suns. Stock up on essentials: eggs and Bondi Sands.
1:50pm: Look over the script for my show over a kimchi toasted sando (with fried egg, obvs) and cup of jasmine sencha at Kines.
2pm: Laugh with delight at the incredible jokes that I’ve meticulously crafted, imagining the glowing reviews and beautiful audience members screaming with mirth, falling out of their seats and pissing themselves, begging for an encore.
2:05pm: Discover a gaping hole in the show. Have a full scale silent meltdown at the table. Panic text my director in all caps.
2:11pm: Attempt to pull self together.
2:13pm: Notice another girl from New Zealand at the cafe wearing a Jimmy D T-shirt dress. Eavesdrop on her conversation where she is passionately arguing that “It’s actually really easy to make gluten free pasta.” I nod in earnest agreement.
3pm: Get confirmation of gig at The Catfish tomorrow night. See the Australian and International superstars on line-up. Have second full scale silent meltdown.
3:02pm: Panic text five other NZ comedians in all caps.
3.30pm: Return home. Lie on couch. Chris Parker replies saying “do the jokes about your dead family” and I experience a joyful wave of euphoric relief.
6pm: Change into NomD hoodie. Julia makes me tofu and veggies for #welness and also #health and may it be said #vitality.
6.30pm: Gin and soda at Retreat Hotel with Nisha Madhan, renowned theatre maker and programmer at Asia Topa. Have stopped on the way to procure air mattress. The air mattress comes to the pub.
10pm: Walk home with air mattress.
10.15pm: Start pumping up air mattress.
11.30pm: Finish pumping up air mattress.
Tuesday, March 25
7am: Wake feeling refreshed but contemplating the purchase of a silk eye mask.
8am: Get dressed: blue cardigan (Glassons!) a blue singlet and… Uniqlo jazz flares.
8:30am: Walk down Sydney Road hunting for coffee. Am lured back to Market Lane. You will never keep me away from a sleek mid century wooden interior and a slightly exfoliating Aesop hand wash!
9:30am: Take a train, a Lime bike and walk for five kilometres to pay a visit to Jeffrey for my flyers. This odyssey across Melbourne was rewarded with Jeffrey berating me for a ‘formatting issue’. Nevertheless, we persist. He loved the cash payment.
12:45pm: FaceTime director in New Zealand. Fix the gaping hole in the show.
4pm: Get dressed: Gloria scrunchie, vintage dress from Bizarre Bizarre and leather knee-high boots from Salvos. Experiment with brown liquid liner in a full cat eye and am thrilled with the result. Throw on Le Specs white cat eye sunnies and Bobby Corica custom necklace ofc!
5pm: Meet fellow Kiwi comic David Correos at The Retreat. Scream with laughter for 45 minutes. David shows me his homemade ant antennae.
6:15pm: Get stopped on Sydney Road by some 21 year old street style girlies. Have never felt so smug. They conducted an interview and were confused when I revealed myself to be from New Zealand even though my accent is thick enough to cut glass.
7pm: Uber to first line-up gig of the fest. Am very nervous so compensate with a bold rep lip (Mac Locked Kiss Ink) and insane fire truck red boots from Roc. I had reached out to Roc via Instagram expressing my adoration and asking if they would be interested in sponsoring me a pair of boots for all future stand-up and TV appearances. They did not reply. I put the boots on Afterpay.
8pm: Do Catfish lineup set. It goes well. Thank god!
10pm: Aussie comic Kate Doolan gives me a ride home to Brunswick. Kate floats the idea of doing “Shakespeare with just a bucket of blood” on the stage. I love her immediately. I’ve also had three post-gig pinot gris but am filled with the gratitude of being surrounded by the funniest people on the planet of earth for the next month.
11pm: Pass out on air mattress.
Keep up with Johanna here.
This article Photo Diary: Johanna Cosgrove’s chaotic countdown to Melbourne Comedy Festival appeared first on Fashion Journal.
2025-03-27 07:25:00
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