Laura Roscioli is a sex writer based in Melbourne. Her fortnightly column on Fashion Journal is here to make sex (and the conversations around it) more accessible and open-minded. She believes that the best learnings come from lived experience, and she’s here to share hers — and other people’s — with you. You can follow Laura on Instagram at @lauraroscioli.
Last year, when I was visiting London, I became friends with a professional (and quite famous) dominatrix, Eva Oh. I was working on a project I wanted to interview her for and she graciously agreed. A one-hour meeting turned into a lunch of underground dumplings, a shop for new stockings and an invitation to one of London’s most prolific sex parties.
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I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into but I was intrigued. I get a relatively frequent look into the sex underworld, given my job as a sex writer, but I still often feel out of my depth. Especially next to someone like Eva, who’s both polished and commanding, elegant yet unapologetically provocative. She’s composed in a world that thrives on pushing limits and dismantling order.
That’s what makes these spaces intoxicating – and unsettling. Sex on the fringes of society peels back the layers of who we think we are. Kinks, fetishes, power dynamics – they’re rarely just about sex. They’re about identity and shame, control and surrender. Whenever I step into those spaces, I feel a certain trepidation. Not fear, exactly. More like anticipation. Like, will I discover something new about myself? Will it complicate the version of me I’ve come to know?
Eva came to Melbourne recently, sweeping in like a breath of fresh air, dressed in her signature black with a touch of leather. Being around her made me feel more alive, more awake to the world. Like things were less beige again.
It’s rare to meet people who shift your perspective so easily. Eva asks questions you didn’t know needed asking and challenges assumptions you didn’t know you had. I think that’s why I’ve always loved the sex industry. it’s full of people who say yes to things. People who’ve chosen to live (and fuck) outside the rules. People who’ve played with power, sex, and money in ways that give them an unusual kind of clarity. With people like Eva, I could talk forever about things most people wouldn’t say out loud.
One night while she was in town, I brought my boyfriend to dinner with us. Historically, I’ve kept my work and romantic life pretty separate. I’ve felt too exposed, like it was safer to compartmentalise. But he’s the first boyfriend I’ve felt safe enough to bring into this world. Partly because he’s him, the love of my life, and partly because I’ve changed. The sex industry has been a massive part of my self-discovery – from escorting, to unpacking shame, to understanding my own desire. For a long time, it felt sacred, like something I needed to keep for me.
But now, I feel ready to share it. He doesn’t judge it. He’s open, curious and excited by subcultures in the same way that I am.
Still, I felt nervous. Would they like each other? The dominatrix and the boyfriend. Would either of them be surprised by the parts of me they didn’t fully know? It’s one thing to play a conversation card game at an Airbnb and talk about fantasies (we do that often); it’s another to do it in real life with someone who lives and breathes kink.
To my delight, they got on. She admired his openness, his lack of judgement, his ‘I’ll try anything once’ attitude. Sitting between them, pouring champagne, I realised I’m drawn to both of them for the same reason: their curiosity.
“Have you ever played with cannibalism?” he asked. “Have you been professionally spanked?” she replied. They volleyed back and forth like a kinky tennis match. I just sat there, listening and learning.
I realised we don’t often talk about the things we’ve never done. We discuss what we like, what we’ve tried, what works. But the unknown stuff? It stays hidden. I think that’s normal, especially with sex. There’s so much pressure to already know everything. Exploring unfamiliar territory can feel risky. What if it reveals something about ourselves or our relationship that we’re not ready to face?
Like when my boyfriend and I went to a sex party or had a threesome – it was hard to talk through our feelings beforehand. What would come up? Would we feel insecure, jealous, turned on? But hearing Eva ask him questions I’d been too hesitant to, I realised something. Asking questions you don’t know the answers to, especially about sex, isn’t threatening. It’s freeing. It’s a chance to see each other in a new light.
I learnt a lot about him that night. That he looks great in a collar. That he’d wear a mesh shirt to a kink party. That he’s not opposed to being spanked. That the underground sex world intrigues him, too. I mean, I could’ve guessed. But we’ve always had a pretty equal power dynamic. Neither of us have settled into a ‘dom’ or ‘sub’ role. Still, it reminded me that there’s always more to learn, even when you think you know someone inside out.
There’s something undeniably sexy about discovering new parts of someone you love. We’re taught that secrets are bad and our hidden desires are dangerous. That if your boyfriend watches porn or has a fetish you didn’t know about, it’s a betrayal. But honestly? I get why people keep parts of their sexuality to themselves. And truthfully, secrets can be hot. They create tension, surprise. Imagine being turned on by your partner’s desires, not threatened by them.
When you’ve been with someone for a while, you start to think you know them. The questions slow down. You stop wondering. Your lives blur together. That early curiosity fades, without you even noticing. But watching Eva ask him things he was more than willing to answer reminded me: curiosity is desire. Pushing edges, staying open, leaning into discomfort – these aren’t just part of being human. They’re part of keeping your relationship, and your sex life, alive.
After that dinner (and the champagne, and the slightly kinkier night that followed) we had the best sex we’d had in weeks. And I knew exactly why. It wasn’t just the buzz or the thrill. It was the conversation. Eva had cracked something open in both of us. Stirred our imaginations. Sparked our desire.
That’s what people like her do. They don’t just ask better questions, they remind you that there are still questions left to ask. That sex isn’t fixed. That even the person you love the most can still surprise you. It turns out that the sexiest way to exist in a relationship isn’t being known fully, it’s discovering and rediscovering each other. Over, and over, again.
Keep up with Laura here.
This article How being friends with a dominatrix made my own sex life better appeared first on Fashion Journal.
2025-05-07 08:36:00
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