I’m sure we all have plenty of assumptions when it comes to the sex lives of married people. There’s the honeymoon phase, when you’re enveloped by the excitement of being newlyweds and can’t take your hands off each other. Then normality – and unsexy domesticity – kicks in. Intimacy might slowly start to be de-prioritised until, eventually, it’s bumped to the bottom of the list.
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This, of course, is a massive generalisation. The truth is sex looks different for everyone, whether you’re wearing a wedding band or not. Intimacy can exist in plenty of forms and naturally changes over time.
There’s little to be gained from directly comparing your sex life to others, however, there’s something nice in knowing there’s no rulebook; no one way of existing. Below, eleven FJ readers reveal how often they have sex and whether their approach to intimacy has changed since being married.
Andy*, 34, she/her
I’ve been married for eight years and on average, we probably have sex one to two times a week. Our sex lives have definitely changed over the years and when we first got married, we were definitely having more sex. But I don’t think it was better sex. The sex we have now is generally better, so I’m probably more satisfied now than I was back then. We’ve gone through different phases where we’ve had more or less sex, like different living arrangements and having housemates, being on medication and getting a dog.
I don’t think it’s changed because we’ve been married but it’s changed the longer we’ve been together. I didn’t use to value my pleasure as much and I was more focused on my husband’s. Over the years, I’ve become more in tune with my own pleasure and that has definitely improved our sex life. When I was younger, I was also far more focused on the number of how many times a week we were having sex.
Maya*, 28, she/her
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and we’ve been married for one. We have sex once every two to three weeks. Our relationship with sex has changed a lot over time. I’m also currently pregnant, which is really tiring, so I’ve been less inclined to, however, the desire is still there. I definitely feel satisfied with the intimacy we have right now – I wish we had more physical sex but I know that will come back.
I’d say my age has been a bigger driver of change compared to my marital status. We got together young and had a great, frequent sex life but when I look back, there are times that I felt external pressure (never from my partner) to be ‘that couple’ that had sex two to three times a week. Now I find intimacy in many other areas of our lives. I’ve learnt that I value emotional intimacy over physical and feel a physical desire comes from a strong emotional one.
Raven*, 27, she/her
We’ve been married for one year and have sex one to two times a week. We tend to have more sex during peaceful and non-stressful times, like when we’re on holiday and don’t have to worry about the duties and responsibilities of everyday life.
Now that we’re married, it’s hard to see sex as okay because I grew up in purity culture. Both my husband and I get very embarrassed when sex is mentioned in regular life.
Niamh*, 34, she/they
We’ve been married for two and a half years and we have sex two to three times a week on average. It’s the same as when we first got together, sometimes even more. I am satisfied, though my libido is higher than my spouse’s.
Jess*, 35, she/her
We’ve been together for 11 years and married for six. On average, we have sex twice a week but more frequently now we’re trying for a kid. It waxes and wanes due to different sleep schedules. I would like a higher frequency of partnered sex, but honestly, I don’t mind too much as long as I have time for solo play!
We were together a long time before we got married, and the frequency has ebbed and flowed over the years. I will say, though, once the initial ‘discovery phase’ wears off, being more upfront about sex communication is more important.
I also worry about what the frequency will look like where a kid comes into the picture. I think, when and where do people do it? Especially if a kid’s going to be around all the time.
Sal*, 47, she/her
We’ve been married for 17 years and we have ‘full’ (penetrative) sex approximately once a week. In saying that, there will be other fun stuff here and there and it’s typically more if we’re alone or on holiday. The frequency has changed since we’ve been married but I think we’re both still satisfied. Kids and routine changes a lot and sometimes we need an extra push! But there’s no pressure – I don’t feel as focused on the frequency, more on the quality and enjoyment.
Caroline*, 33, she/her
We’ve been married for less than a year and we have sex three to four times a week. In the six years we’ve been together, there have certainly been shifts and changes but many of them are positive. It depends on lots of different factors like whether it’s that time of the month, work stress and overall connection.
Liana*, 37, she/her
We have sex once a week at best but definitely once a fortnight. It has decreased since we’ve been married but I’m satisfied. I have a lot of mental health problems that cause contribute to a lower libido so I prefer the intimacy of hand holding and doing things together over sex. My partner would say he’s probably not satisfied.
My view on sex hasn’t changed since being married – it is important. But I have issues that prevent me from being able to deliver and they seem to be getting more complex the longer we’ve been together.
Fran*, 25 she/her
We’ve been married for one year and we have sex around once a week, or once every three weeks if work is busy. We’re independent people with different hobbies but we also work together, so as our business grows, we have less mental capacity for it.
Elsa*, 35, she/her
I’ve been married for three years and at the moment, we never have sex. I’m in my first trimester and sick all the time. I think it’s definitely changed during pregnancies, ranging from a few times a week to basically none. Usually I would say I’m satisfied but it’s hard when you’re not feeling in the mood due to being so unwell for so long.
I don’t think marriage automatically changes your sex life – living together and having kids, or even trying to conceive has a bigger impact on things.
Deepthi*, 36, she/her
I’ve been married for 10 years and my partner and I have sex monthly or twice a month. There are highs and lows – we’re more focused on our overall relationship health and developing friendship and trust. We understand each others wants more now than ever and we feel more comfortable experimenting.
*Names have been changed.
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This article How often do married couples have sex? 11 FJ readers tell us appeared first on Fashion Journal.
2025-04-29 06:31:00
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