Jessica Wade is an experienced Australian sexologist and educator who brings an empowering, science-backed, and approachable perspective to topics surrounding sexual health and wellbeing. Her expertise allows her to address taboo subjects with compassion, credibility, and a fresh, modern lens that resonates with a broad audience.
“I have no problem with my partner watching porn. The thing is, all the women he watches look the opposite to me, with big boobs and dark hair, while I’m flat chested and blonde. I’ve been feeling really insecure about it and I’m not sure how to bring it up. Does it mean he’s not attracted to me?” – Spiralling
Jessica: Feeling insecure in a relationship is tough and I totally get why this is messing with you. This kind of insecurity is incredibly common and can stem from past experiences, attachment styles, or self-esteem struggles. When left unaddressed, it can manifest in various ways: trust issues, avoiding intimacy, or even sexual dysfunctions like performance anxiety, low libido, or difficulty with arousal.
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There are two key things to unpack here: what this insecurity really means and how to bring it up with your partner.
Sexual fantasy vs real-life attraction
Studies show that people often fantasise about things that don’t necessarily reflect what they want in reality. Porn is more about novelty, escapism, or even habit than a statement about who someone finds attractive in real life.
For example, one of the most well-documented cases is straight women watching lesbian porn – not necessarily meaning they want to be with women IRL, they may enjoy the sensuality and intimacy it portrays. So, your partner watching a certain type of porn doesn’t automatically mean he’s not deeply attracted to you.
How to bring it up
It’s completely understandable to feel vulnerable about this. Conversations about insecurities can feel nerve-wracking because we don’t know how the other person will respond. A great way to approach it is with “I” statements. Instead of making it about what he’s doing wrong, focus on how it makes you feel.
For example: “Hey, I noticed the type of porn you watch, and I have to be honest — it’s made me feel a little insecure about how I look. I’d love to talk about it because I know you find me attractive, and I want to understand this better.”
Framing it this way keeps the conversation open rather than defensive. You might even learn something interesting about his turn-ons that has nothing to do with physical preference. Honest, shame-free conversations about sex can actually bring you closer. So as nerve-wracking as it feels, this could be a chance to deepen your connection.
Exploring fantasies together
If this conversation leads to a broader discussion about fantasies, it can be an opportunity to explore rather than compare. Fantasies don’t always equate to real-life desires, they can serve as mental spaces for curiosity and creative expression.
Exploring fantasies starts long before the bedroom – it begins with emotional safety, open communication, and treating life itself as a kind of foreplay. When you cultivate trust and curiosity in your relationship, fantasies become invitations rather than threats.
Some practical ways to explore fantasies together include:
Using a yes/no/maybe list
Writing down desires separately and then comparing lists helps identify shared interests while keeping the communication low-pressure.
Starting with low-stakes exploration
Introduce elements of a fantasy through dirty talk, role play, or reading or listening to erotic fiction together.
Developing somatic awareness
As a somatic sexologist, I teach couples how to tune into their bodies’ signals: subtle shifts in breath, muscle tension, and sensation. When nervous system regulation and pleasure go hand in hand, exploring fantasies becomes a space of play, connection, and mutual discovery rather than pressure or expectation.
At the core of this is feeling safe and desired. When we feel that, it’s so much easier to open up, connect, and experience pleasure. So while this situation has triggered insecurity, it can also be a doorway to deeper intimacy and understanding.
For more about Jessica’s work, head here.
This article My boyfriend watches porn of women who look nothing like me, how do I stop spiralling? appeared first on Fashion Journal.
2025-03-26 09:30:00
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